i’m lost.

hey friend––

update on my life…

monday (july 3rd)
i was minding my own business. i had just got home from doing whatever i was doing. it wasn’t that late in the night. probably about 9pm… my father stopped me from whatever i was doing and told me that we had needed to talk. he made a plan that we should get together and talk about my plans and what i am doing with my life.

considering that i am hardly ever at his house, i had no clue what it would have been about. i’m never there because i work most of the day and i try to avoid all contact with my parents.

he talked on and on about how i need to step it up and move on with my life.

at that point, i was just severely frustrated with him. my anxiety rocketed through the roof. i just kept thinking the worst is about to come and hit me like a train. i am not ready. not ready one bit.

next day… tuesday…

i didn’t work at all that day. i had decided to go to starbucks, write a bit, and wait until it gets dark outside so i can go up to the university and watch the celebration of fireworks for the fourth of july.

well i didn’t stay long at starbucks. stupid me, i had forgotten my charger for both my phone and macbook. i was trying my hardest to avoid going home so early, but i just couldn’t think of anything to do. it was not nearly close to nighttime. i had well over 6 hours of waiting before the light show.

i decided to go home.

on my way home, i just kept thinking of things to say to my dad. it was hard to think of it all, considered i was still annoyed and frustrated. i had figured that he would tell me that i need to move out soon.

i get home. and there is my father barbecuing some food for the family. he notices me and greets me. me not really feeling in the mood to talk, i look at him with the slightest grin. he asks me if i was okay and i just said, yeah i am alright.

he then proceeds to say… well since you are here, we should just go ahead and talk now about your plans.

i really wasn’t in the mood to talk about all of that, but he insisted.

about twenty minutes later, he then tells me that he wants me out by this weekend. he doesn’t want me to stay because then he will want to charge me rent and he doesn’t want to charge me rent because he wants me to save money. he said that he has been thinking about it for a while and decided that he wants to rearrange the place where i slept (small portion in the living room: consisting of futon and suitcase full of clothes). he wanted to place a piano (something he does not have) where i reside.

i couldn’t argue with him… if he wants to replace me for a piano then go the hell ahead. replace me for an inanimate object. whatever.

 

on thursday i went to my father’s house after work and took apart my futon and cleaned up my little space where i slept.

luckily, a while back, my boss’s boss had asked me to house sit for her.

from that wednesday up until today i had been house sitting for her. sorry if all the dates don’t match up. it matches up in my head as i type all of this.

anyway.. so now it is sunday. i had just finished all the chores i need to keep up with while they (my boss’s boss’ family) were gone.

my car is filled up to the brim with crap from my storage. and i have no where else to go. i am too ashamed to even admit that my own father doesn’t want me around.

i talked to my boss and shortened my leave. instead of leaving sometime in august i decided to just leave on july 28th. the end of month. just so i can have more money in my pocket to keep me steady as i leave to california.

i had texted a few old used to be friends, just letting them know that i would be leaving for a good while. only few responded. which is pretty much what i had expected.

i don’t know if i wanted to leave this way… but it is what it is.

so now, i am here chilling at starbucks. getting in as much time as i can here before night time hits.

i’m gonna be one of those people who sleeps in their car. i guess i’ll update you on how that going… anyway…

 

be well, my friend.
jb [15:32]

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