hi, i’m here.

hello friend–

it’s definitely been a while since i’ve actually written out on here….

how have i been?
to be honest, it’s been quite the struggle.

as i have sure said this before, i started seeing a therapist back in march or april.. i don’t remember exact dates. but anyway, i’ve had my ups and my downs in this journey to getting better.

i am still living with my parents… which has been a major part of my struggle. i still don’t feel myself. i am not complete with who i am. i just don’t feel comfortable in any way possible.

aside from the uncomfortable awkwardness, i am truly grateful that i do have a place to sleep at night.  i do thank my parents for taking me in and helping me out financially by not having me pay rent and stuff of that sort…

with the weirdness, i also struggle with connecting with my parents on a emotional basis. i just never have been able to for as long as i can remember. and with the things i’ve been going through as of lately, i struggle with balancing the two… being completely grateful and also completely uncomfortable.

i’ve actually been really stressing out lately because my father is really pressuring me to move out. financially, i am not ready. mentally and emotionally, i am not even close to being ready or stable…

my father keeps asking for a ‘plan’ with what i am doing with my life. i still have no clue. i am just living it day by day. trying to make the next day much better than the last has been my on-going goal for a while now. and i continue to strive for that. i am ready to be completely happy with myself and enjoy myself days on end.

just this week, my dad asked me what my plan was, and i ended up lying to him. i just told him that i have a friends who has a room for me to stay in. do i really have friends? no not really. i have co-workers. but they are just there for me in the working world. anything outside of that is just not even a thing.

but anyway, i’ve actually been talking to my aunt, who lives in california. and i believe i have decided to move over to ca and just live with her for a while. that way, i can completely start over…. you know, on a social basis. i will obviously continue to work on myself. me definitely comes first before anyone else. i want to stay until i can get back on my feet and completely support myself until i feel like i don’t have to rely on someone for emotional support.

anyway, i’ve got to go for now. i promise to come back soon to explain my reasoning on what i am doing and why i think it might be best for me.

’til next time.

 

be well, my friend.
-jb [14:52]

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