yesterday, i put a little faith in myself.
before i went to work, i found some courage. i told myself, i was going to see a doctor.
i was going to tell him of all of the things that have been making me feel the way i feel.
i was going to tell him about the harm i’ve done and been wanting to do to myself.
i got to that point where i walked in to my bosses office and almost told her what my plan was to fix myself.
but then… i just stood there and stared right into her eyes. she asked me, “what’s wrong?”
after having that moment of silence, which felt like forever, i answered…. “sorry, i’m just tired.”
after that, i put on the mask that i hide behind.
i turned around and went back to my work.
that hope and courage that built me up that morning vanished in a split second. gone just like that.
i think why… how can some thing that could be possibly so good for me vanish at the slightest feeling of insecurity.
i could have been on the path to fixing myself.
this facade of a life i am living… is it just to protect myself?
it’s like i see that light and the end of the tunnel. it’s far in the distance. but as i keep running towards it, it gets farther and farther away.
it’s a nightmare for me.
anyway… until next spark of hope,
be well, my friend.