courage

hey friend,

 

yesterday, i put a little faith in myself.

before i went to work, i found some courage. i told myself, i was going to see a doctor.

i was going to tell him of all of the things that have been making me feel the way i feel.

i was going to tell him about the harm i’ve done and been wanting to do to myself.

i got to that point where i walked in to my bosses office and almost told her what my plan was to fix myself.

but then… i just stood there and stared right into her eyes. she asked me, “what’s wrong?”

after having that moment of silence, which felt like forever, i answered…. “sorry, i’m just tired.”

after that, i put on the mask that i hide behind.

i turned around and went back to my work.

that hope and courage that built me up that morning vanished in a split second. gone just like that.

i think why… how can some thing that could be possibly so good for me vanish at the slightest feeling of insecurity.

i could have been on the path to fixing myself.

this facade of a life i am living… is it just to protect myself?

it’s like i see that light and the end of the tunnel. it’s far in the distance. but as i keep running towards it, it gets farther and farther away.

it’s a nightmare for me.

anyway… until next spark of hope,

 

be well, my friend.
jb [02:06]

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